Hey! No I am no one special, and I haven’t discovered anything someone else already hasn’t. I have discovered things though, even only in my short 15 years that could change someone’s life. I have discovered secrets of the soul so fragile. I know that I have manipulated these secrets, and I have changed lives along with my own. I have also broken hearts, and while breaking these hearts I have broken my own in return. A perfect example was actually very currently. I had a boyfriend of almost a year, and during that time I was very happy. This happiness was only temporary because it was, for me, a part of my past. I loved him very much so but not the same as I had. I had to tell him, and when I did. . .I broke his heart. It’s not as if I didn’t know that it wouldn’t, but I knew that because of the feelings I was having for other people I would have broke his heart even more so later. That was the beginning of my fall. I had met this other fine gentleman only a few weeks earlier, and he had me enchanted. We’ll call him Mischief Maker. If it was love, I do not know. We had talked for hours on end, and I had shared secrets as he. We were very close and I felt so comfortable with him, it was almost too real to be reality. But, there was also another guy I had met around the same time. He was more than real. We’ll call him the King of Hearts. I talked to him as much, and I got to see him every day. I trusted him with all my heart. This made everything so complicated for I had trouble trusting anyone and here I was trusting two people I barely knew. Soon enough I would know which one I should have chose, but actually the whole time I knew who. Any ways, as time went on I got deeper and deeper into this two sided relationship. Again I had this false happiness building, and I was fine with that. To be able to wake up with a smile was something I wasn’t willing to get rid of, but I knew that all of this would eventually fall. The bottom would drop like always, and it did. Not a week later I had to choose. I sat in my room and I cried for hours thinking of what I should do. The honest to God truth was that I was scared. I chose the safe route. This route only got me in trouble. I started lying and sneaking. Things I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I was, and still am, so disgusted with myself I couldn’t eat or sleep. I got very depressed, but put on that stupid smile. I pretended I was okay, but that one guy knew I wasn’t. The guy that I chose turned out to be a jerk, and started wanting my good friends. This stuipid jerk was Mischief Maker. I can’t be mad for that though. People will be people and I can’t control that. The thing that hurt me most was that I did it. It was my fault that I let it happen. I had a choice and I ran away because I was afraid. I was afraid because I had fallen in love so fast with the King of Hearts. He had showed me that I could trust him. I could rely on someone else and they wouldn’t expect something back. He showed me that I could trust without being scared, but never did I let myself believe it. I had been hurt so many times by people who I loved, who I trusted with my whole heart. How could I trust anyone if the people who loved me could hurt me? I didn’t have to be afraid, but now is too late. The Kind of Hearts that I fell in love with, and still am, moved on for what I know. There is one girl who he told he loves her. There is another one who he wants to be involved with. So where does that leave me? Sitting here in the dark wishing I could go back in time. Watching him hold her hand or tell her that he will call her later. That leaves me regretting, waiting, and not too proud to admit it but crying. I’m too proud to admit any of this to him though. I can’t get myself to tell him I’m sorry, tell him that I love him more than words can say, or even tell him that I’ll wait. I know that I don’t need a man. I can stand on my own. I know that I’m where I’m spose to be. I have friends who love me, and a roof over my head. We make our own destiny, our own happiness, and most of all we make our own love. I will wait for him because I don’t want anyone else. If it so happens that someone comes along and shows me more than him then of course I will move on, but until then my heart is his. If only he knew right? Well to all those reading, don’t be afraid. Let the ones you love know you love them. Don’t ever be afraid of anything. Never let someone tell you what to believe or that you’re not good enough. You are who you are because of you. Never let anyone stand in your way. I did and I ended up here writing to you about how I love someone I can’t have. Heroes are remembered, but legends never die. Be a legend and do something great today. I plan on being a legend. There’s always tomorrow, but there’s no better time than today. So, go do something great. I know that I will.
Making Memories,
Loves Widow
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